


You Know

by WinchesterObssessed1967



Series: Poem Fanfictions [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, I'm sorry for the feels, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, trigger-warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-18 08:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7307101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinchesterObssessed1967/pseuds/WinchesterObssessed1967
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know. I think one of the worst feeling is finding out you didn't mean as much to someone as you thought you did, and you just feel stupid, because you looked desperate, because you cared too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> This fic does have suicide in it along with self-harm. If you are very sensitive to these things; TURN AWAY NOW.  
> And please remember: Never end your life because someone left you. You are worth it, you are beautiful. And always keep fighting. You are strong enough to wait for the right person to come along and sweep you off of you feet. Never hurt yourself please.  
> You are loved. Even if you don't feel like you are, you are loved. I love you. You are amazing. Don't ever give up. Always Keep Fighting, because, You Are Not Alone.

Dean,  
Why?  
Why did he leave me?  
What did I do?  
All these questions are running through my head and I can't stop them.  
Why? Why did you leave me Dean?  
How? How was it so easy to just leave me?  
When? When did you stop loving me? Did you ever love me?  
My head is growing dizzy and I can't tell if it's from all the questions and confusion running through my head or the fact that I'm currently bleeding out on the floor in our, well now my, bathroom.  
I has only been a few months, but it's felt like years. I thought we were going to get married. I still wear the ring you gave me everyday. Hoping that one day you would just come home and say that you're sorry for leaving me and saying those things to me and that you love me; that you regret leaving me. But I don't think that day is ever going to come, is it? I've finally given up hope of you ever returning home. I started cutting myself the day after you left me. I deserve the pain, as you told me before I left.  
That I was worthless.  
That no one would ever love me ever again.  
That I deserve to die.  
I don't understand why you would say those things to me. I thought you loved me. We were highschool sweethearts for fuck sakes. We were in the yearbook and 'Couple to Most Likely Get Married'. And we were going to. A month before you left me you asked me to marry you. That memory keeps replaying in my head over and over again. We went to my favorite park, the one with the grass that always seems to be green throughout the year and the fountain in the middle. I would always go there to work on my books while you were at your work at Bobby's. I remember sitting down and reading my drafts working when you showed up with a picnic packed. I was so happy and my face hurt from smiling so much that day. I remember eating the picnic that you had brought, and you pulling out a box. A ring. I was so happy that I started crying. 'Yes' and 'I love you' seemed to be the only words that I knew. I love that day. You were so happy too. I could tell that you were happy because that's when you smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen on your face.  
I didn't think that our loved could be something you could fake.  
Apparently I was wrong.  
I wonder how long you haven't loved me for. A few months? Years? I don't know. I hope not too long. I just want to know what I did to make you leave. I want to know what I did wrong. I just want to know.  
I've seen you around town, but I've been too scared to approach you. Knowing that if I tried to have a conversation with you I would break down and make a scene. Something I know you don't want. I started to see you hanging out with a girl. I remember her from high school. Lisa. She's pretty, and I see you guys hold hands all time. After that I started hurting myself more and more. Deeper every time I see you with her. It was never meant to be this way Dean. Why did you leave me?  
My blood is on your hands.  
And this letter is for you to understand how much I loved you.  
I loved you since the first day I laid eyes on you, and you leave me for a girl that already broke your heart once.  
I just don't understand how you did it; how you gave up on me so fast, and how you already feel in love again. But that also makes me think, how long have you been with Lisa without my knowledge? All of those late nights at Bobby's, saying how certain cars had a rush order and had to be done the next day. Maybe Lisa is the reason why those had been happening more often.  
I'm sorry it had to end this way. Remember that I love you; that I always have and always will.  
I love you Dean Winchester.  
Love,  
Castiel.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's three months after Castiel passed-away.

I'm sorry my love. I'm so so sorry. I don't know why I did the things that I did. I'm not proud of what I've done. To you or my family.   
Sammy doesn't talk to me anymore. We kind of drifted after you left. I began drinking again, a lot more than before. Sam tried to get me to live with him so he could help me get back on my feet but I refuse to leave our home. OUR home. This is where you belong. Not up there. Here. With me holding me in your arms.   
Sometimes, I get this feeling as if I'm being watched. And then I know it's you. You know I was never the religious type, but that was before you left. I've almost done some stupid shit, but I feel like you're always there watching me making sure I don't do something that could get me killed. I thank you for that. While writing this, I can feel you looking over my shoulder.   
Have you watched me write my other letters to you? I write one every single day. I tell you about all of my mistakes, all the beer bottles that I've emptied, even though you could see those. I'm sorry I ended up this way Cas. You deserved better than me. You deserved a better life. Why did you end it?  
I don't know why I left you for Lisa. She didn't even seem fazed when she heard the news that you had died. It angered me. I almost hit her. But I didn't... I swear to you I didn't baby. I never hit you, I've never hit anyone. I wish I hadn't left you. I'm scared to settle down and stay in one place. Growing up, we were always moving around, never staying in the same place for more than 3 months. I was just scared. I know that my reasons don't justify what I did, but I hope you can understand.   
I don't sleep in our room anymore. It still has the tissues that you cried into laying on the bed and the floor. I don't have the heart. I don't want you smell to leave the sheets. I sleep in the guest room, or at least I try to. But most of the time I pass out on the couch watching re-runs and beers littering around me. Everything in our room is exactly as you left it.   
It's been three months since I've 'moved back' from Lisa, and I've barely unpacked. I barely shower now. I can't take care of myself. I need you here to help me baby.   
I can't do this anymore. I can't live this life anymore. I won't live a life without you. We were meant to be together and I ruined that.   
I love you baby.  
I'm coming.   
I love you. 

Dean


	3. 1 Year Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a year later after Castiel passed away. And Dean isn't handling it too well.

Cas why'd you do it? I loved you, and I don't know why I left you. I was so stupid, and naive. It was ridiculous to think that I could move on from you but I can't. It's been a year and all I've done is shameful one night stands. That's what you're leaving. An ex-boyfriend who can't handle himself, drinks when he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep. Bar hopping and finding whoever wants to go home. I never bring girls back to our house though. I could never do that. That would disgrace you. Not that I already done that enough. But still, I only go their house. I don't sleep in our bed anymore, I sleep in the guest bedroom we have just down the hallway. Everything in our room is starting to collect dust now. I don't have the heart to clean it because I don't want to move anything. I know you liked everything to be in its place. I can't do it. I can't move anything, because then I feel like I'm accepting that fact that you're gone. But I don't want to. You're the love of my life and I left you for Lisa for god sake. I know we had a thing in high school, but then I met you and left her. She was just jealous and wanted me back. Even though after all of these years later, I still went back to her. I had my head up my ass and you were trying to be so nice to me and help me, and I wouldn't let you. I don't know why. Why did I leave the one person I truly loved with all my heart for a girl that I dated for only a month in high school? I don't know Cas. I'm so sorry.


End file.
